'Allo pizza!

Hey...guess who's got alopecia areata!?

That's right...

Me!

I can tell you're jealous...

What the f**k is it?

Well, basically it's hair loss...but usually in spots...bald spots...little baldy spots...spot, spot, spot...

And that's what I've got...but on my manly beard...my once proud stubble has now been marked with a stain of white skin...like an eye on my chins staring back at me in the mirror...mocking me...emasculating me...when will it end?

When will the torture end?

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Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien...um...actually...quite a bit really...

Isn't it funny how regrets seem to eat at you? Well. not so much funny...more awful...

And the way regrets eat at you...it's not like some ravenous blood thirsty carnivore ripping at flesh and muscles as it devours you...it's not even like a polite and fancy silver service dinner with linen on the table and three forks...it's more like how a girl eats a chocolate bar...a small bite here, put it back in the wrapper, another small bite there, back in its wrapper...a gradual nibbling process. However, with regret, there never seems to be an end to the chocolate bar...you don't think about it for a while and then nibble, nibble...there it is again...and you realise there's still some chocolate left.

The regret I feel is less whimsical than usual regrets...I think mine is more remorseful...or is it remorse in itself rather than regret...is there a difference...I don't think there is. So we'll stick with regret.

I regret things.

I regret a lot of things actually.

I haven't always been the upstanding fantastic specimen of a man you read before you. I am a selfish person...I'd like to say was but it's not true...I'm selfish...I'm lobster, really.

So, naturally, being of a selfish disposition people have been hurt in the wake of my actions...loved ones, unloved ones, spiders...bridges have been burned, friendships have been tested and hearts have been broken or at least slightly cracked.

It's a foolish man who doesn't appreciate the havoc he has wrought in pursuit of his own whims...and I am not a foolish man. I live with my actions and their ramifications every day. Sometimes you don't think about them and sometimes you're engulfed by them...but they're always there...nibbling.

There's not much a person can do to 're-do' these moments in their past...the most I can do is look forward and try to learn from them and try not to make the same mistakes or lapses in judgement...or allow my selfishness to consume me to such a degree that I forget that I'm not actually a selfish person...but a generous and supportive man about town.

I try to help others who I see in similar situations or quandaries...offer advice...because God knows I love the sound of my own voice...especially when I'm dropping pearls of Jamesdom...but to be really there for people...it's a great feeling...you should definitely try it sometime you selfish a**holes.

And to the ones I've hurt who are still in my life...one person in particular...I try to make them as happy as I am possibly able, earn (or re-earn) their trust and respect, and hopefully make them not regret their decision to let me be in their life...because who the f*ck wants regrets, right?

Of course, right.

List of people I dislike (formerly my Enemies List but that seems a bit hateful and sounds like something that the internet would monitor for...)

New addition...

That guy from work...

You know who you are...

He was walking to the open lift in the basement and he saw me also walking to the same open lift but about 15-20 steps away on a 45 degree angle from his entrance to the lift of which he was 5 or so steps away...

He looks at me...

I look at him...

And then I begin the moderate courtesy dash to the open doors so he's not waiting in there with his finger on the open door button...but what happens....the doors shut as soon as he enters!

So...from my reckoning and since he isn't some kind of Jesus or magician...someone else was in the lift holding the door open for him and closed them when he entered...however, he was not dashing...no way in hell was he dashing...he was Mr Casual, sauntering to the open doors...I, on the other hand, dashed...and he saw me at least begin to pick up pace to reach the full dashing speed before he entered the sanctuary of the open lift.

He had a duty and responsibility to acknowledge my presence to the man or woman holding the doors open...he doesn't even have to know my name (which he does)...he just has to say 'Oh, there's someone else.' And I would have been there in less than 2 seconds...I actually got to the lift as it was shifting from the basement to the first floor...and this isn't one of those fancy lifts either...I may have pushed the button in the basement but the doors will remain open on the third floor once the passengers have been birthed...for a good 5 or so seconds...and then it would begin the slow laboured trek down to the basement...it has no sense of urgency...stupid lift.

Also...this was at 8 o'clock...in the morning...I partially jogged for 15-20 steps in my work clothes for this man out of courtesy...what a pr*ck!

And don't think he didn't see me...he acknowledged me with his eyes and I acknowledged him with mine as I knew this was going to be one of those lift holding shenanigans...but no...apparently he has no courtesy for his common man...meaning...he does not belong in the human race...and earns a rightful spot on my 'List of people I dislike'...which, obviously, knowing me...is now in the hundreds...

Or at least one.

Life is...

Here I am.

Sitting at my desk.

Another day in front of the computer.

Another day wasted?

Who knows...

Not me.

I was talking the other day to a good friend of mine about life, expectations...the whole shebang really...and a phrase cropped up that stuck in my head. I'm not sure the intention used when it came out of her mouth or even if I understood the concept of what she was saying, but it was something like living an 'experience life'.

Typing that out and reading it back to myself, it doesn't have the same ring to it as I originally thought it did...no matter. What does matter is what I got from those words...and if in fact they have meant anything to me on reflection.

From my recollection my friend was describing a friend of hers who was living a life full of experiences...free from the so called dreams and desires of everyday man and woman, you know, relationship, house, kids...puppy. Instead, it would seem that this person travelled around the world and had spent the last six months in South America, or some other native land that definitely wasn't Coburg North...or Coburg as some would describe it...living their life to the full...chock-full of experiences, tastes, smells, culture, people. I think my friend was contemplating whether this was the way to go...to forego those other 'dreams' as they didn't seem to be happening...and pursue a life like her friend.

I sigh. And then again. Of course it sounds like I'm breathing loudly now rather than poignantly punctuating my internal monologue so I stop. And then I sigh again. Much better.

Who the frig knows!?

Honestly...who knows!? Do you live your life...i.e. actively live it...bugger work and grab everything else with both hands...sure they'll be malnourished and bony hands...but still...it's life with a capital L...and I and F and probably an E. But how can you afford to live that life?

You work a job that doesn't kill you or bore you and pays you half what you could be earning if you did work a job that killed you with boredom...but you get a pittance to do what? Travel...or rather...live overseas...volunteer in some backwater city and get in touch with real people...experiencing life...obviously not your life...another way of life...

I don't think so...

I'm of the belief that life is about people. Connecting with people, interacting with them...creating relationships...forging relationships and seeing them and helping them grow and flourish and all that crap...you do what you have to do (so long as it doesn't kill you) to get that good stuff.

Sure work might be boring...but you can go home and talk and share with your girlfriend and puppy...and meet friends and eat paella and drink sangria...or be a handsome and wonderfully talented actor on the amateur stage...in a way...you find what makes you happy and go with it.

If it means travelling to a third world country or some exotic locale...so be it. If it means living day by day and enjoying what life has to offer...that's your choice. And if it means working a job, owning a house, and sharing your life with a wonderful girl and lovely people...then I can tell you from experience you will be a very happy man.




Or not...I don't actually know...you might suffer from depression or something...I'm not a freaking mind reader...


What do you think?

Of course, silence in the Comments section implies consent with my beliefs...so I don't care either way...