We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!

Yes that's right...Journey's End...has rocked the tiny hamlet of Mordialloc...it was sensational. There was high praise, emotion, tears...the works. It just goes to show how relevant the play is even after 80 years...jeez...that's pretty good. It also helped that we have a talented cast and director...and James Antonas. That's enough to sell ice to the Eskimos...and that's the first and probably last time I'll use that saying...just so you know.

The Beginning of the End

Well, time has creep'd on a pace...and here we are. Wednesday already. Time has flown and we are now left holding the baby but refraining from throwing it out with the bathwater as we now live in an environmentally conscious society where such unnecessary water wastage is frowned upon but remember, it takes more muscles to frown that it does to smile. So...um...come and see Journey's End.

I think that was the gist of that.

So yeah, tonight is our last rehearsal in an empty theatre. Tomorrow night is a preview (I'd still refer to it as a dress rehearsal but there will be people in the audience...um...does that make sense? People are the audience...unless it's like animals or stuffed toys...so there will be people in the theatre...that's better...and a few stuffed toys) and then we open on Friday night...Anzac Day. That is probably the most meaningful and poignant day that this play could be played on...so much significance that most people will never be able to comprehend truly without having gone through the experience themselves. And some may say that we should all be grateful that we don't have to go through that experience...and I am one of them.

We had a rehearsal the other week in which I...and here I must be perfectly honest...was completely crap...

You can at least feign surprise and shock...

I dropped lines, I got intimidated by things, I wasn't focused. It was truly an awful and scary experience...I have never sucked as much as I did that night...I've been terrible in the past but that was when I was doing everything right but was just lousy in a role...this was different...and it scared me because I had two big bloody Acts and I just had to suffer through it...painful and not just for me...I felt bad for the people on stage with me...I know how hard it is to act against something like that...but there I was stinking the place up...I felt terrible.

But that's a thing of the past...I'm on top of my game now and feel great and confident about me in this play and the play itself. It looks great for one thing. Before we started the other night I went to the back row (not too hard a feat as it only holds about 150 people and stuffed toys) and looked at the complete set with the lighting on...friggin' impressive...really made me proud...it's the best set for a show I've been in too (that's not saying too much though really)...but it just looks damn authentic and realistic too.

Everyone's performance has lifted and it's great to be on stage doing this stuff and all that other nonsense...they're great people and it's a good vibe.

So...here's to tonight...I know it'll be great...and if it isn't...who cares...there's no people in the audience!

Ha...I am hilarious.

The Eyes Have It

I don't get the phrase...or idiom...or metaphor...whatever the damn thing is...of to have an eye for.

As in...Gretchen has an eye for fashion.

Why is it singular? Gretchen has eyes for fashion. I know it makes no sense that way...but that's because the singular version has been in existence for forever...so get rid of that initial trepidation and look again...Gretchen has eyes for fashion. What's wrong with that? And why does one only have an eye for something...or come to think of it...an ear for something! What's going on??

I can kind of make sense of it to a degree...if you have an eye for art or something...you look at the piece of art with an eye closed kind of ...or if you have an ear for music you might lean in to hear more...that makes sense...kind of...but other than that...I don't get it.

Also I can understand why it can't be plural...also to a degree...because the other phrase-y thing is: to have eyes for someone or something...that's a completely different connotation...but again...why should it be that way and not the other...why can't Gretchen have eyes for art...and then have an eye for Ricardo...eh? Why not? It's the chicken and the egg...the chicken and the egg.

Think about it and get back to me, would you?


Of course you won't.

Samson

It's gone. It's all gone. Well...not all...but a great majority of it has gone. My once proud and beautiful mane of hair that I had amassed over the past 6 months...that slowly became part of who I am...is now lying on the floor of some hairdresser's salon...lonely, abandoned and...hairy.

Commitment. That's what it is all about. Commitment to Journey's End. It's set in a trench for God's sake...I can't very well have my hippy hair flying all over the place, now can I? No. So it has been shawn...a number 3 in places...short on top...back...my powers have dwindled...no more the ability to...um...run my fingers through my hair and to...get out of the shower and shake my head like the Old English Sheep Dog from the Dulux ad...you know the one...what's to become of me?

It's interesting because I use to have short hair all the time...and then I was converted to long hair and got used to it and, in turn, learned to love it. But going back to the ten-year-old-school-kid-school-photographs-haircut...it's a shock...to say the least. I shed a few tears, and the hairdresser kept asking me if I was alright...I wasn't but I said I was...be brave James, be brave I whispered to myself.

I can only hope that this sacrifice will somehow enrich my performance and the show in general...I'm sure it will.

I hope.

From this...to this. Of course, Albert Finney can pull off anything...he's Albert Finney for Jeff's sake.

One Helluva Pickle

How great are pickles? Seriously. They're great.

I bought a jar of pickles...well, to be specific Sweet Spiced Gherkins...but I couldn't think of a catchy title using gherkin...nup...not even now...nothing...anyway I bought a jar of gherkins to use in my sandwiches...and for what amounts to about $2...I've got about 10 or so gherkins. Can life be any sweeter!? Yes it can thanks to these gherkins for life can also now be a little sour too...a perfect gherkin.

It turns out that a gherkin is not only a pickle of a certain size but also a particular species of cucumber and that now 'gherkin' is usually used to describe any small cucumber pickled in a sweet vinegar brine, regardless of the particular variety used. It can also be used to describe a silly or stupid person...a la: Derek, you're such a gherkin.

Looking for nutritional information on the humble gherkin (it is humble...it would have to be...look at it...it's a small green warty phallic thing...I don't think it can afford to have much of an ego!) I found that they are rich in Vitamin C and can have a mild anti-inflammatory effect...but before you go rubbing an briny gherkin all over your mosquito bites...it's not known how much of this effect is retained after the pickling process.

Also...they are considered a fruit!

Who knew? Not me...and now you do and so do I...lesson learnt.

And just for those keeping track at home...this post has used the word pickle 4 times and the word gherkin 12 times! I AM KING!

Stevie Pickle was never the most popular kid at school, especially when it came time for gym.

A Little Less Toilet Conversation?

I don't know why but for some reason a public toilet or any shared bathroom space is the most awkward environment for conversation. To be perfectly honest...conversation is the last thing that should be taking place in these areas. It's just awkward. You're going into these places for private business...not public spectacle...it's not something to be shared...so lay off the chit-chat.

The most I will accept is the general greeting with Person A saying the greeting and Person B accepting the greeting...there is to be no response from Person A once Person B has given their acceptance...no response is necessary.

Now the most common situation is Person A walks into the bathroom as Person B is leaving and there's the awkward side-step to get past each other and perhaps a laugh...and the greetings would then take place...these kind of situations are easier to manage as usually one person is leaving and the other entering or staying...so there's no room for conversation...as long as the person leaving continues on their journey...they should not...I repeat should not stay on and continue as if this was some kind of water cooler environment where you can chat and shoot the breeze. It's in and out...it's not in and outish and stay a bitish and then definitely outish...otherwise it would be called that...but it's not...so don't!!

Another situation of awkwardness can happen and only just recently took place in my workplace bathroom...I entered as a 'colleague' was washing his hands or cleaning a stain on his shirt and headed for the urinal...now this is how it should have gone down:

James enters and sees Tim washing or cleaning the lower part of his shirt...
James: (sarcastically whilst still moving and heading for his urinal destination) Looks like fun!
(They share a laugh)
Tim: I wish!
(They share one more laugh as James arrives at his destination)

AND that's it. No more. Pleasant. In fact if you were being merciless it could be reduced to this:

James enters and sees Tim washing or cleaning the lower part of his shirt...
James: (whilst still moving and heading for his urinal destination, shakes his head knowingly and faux disapprovingly and clicks his tongue) Tsk, tsk.
(They share a laugh)

AND that's it. Here's the way it went down for me:

James enters and sees Tim washing or cleaning the lower part of his shirt...
James: (whilst moving and heading for his urinal destination) Flicked a little too hard?
(They share a laugh)
Tim: No, I think it's breakfast.
(They don't quite share a laugh but a polite chuckle of acknowledgment as James arrives at his destination)

This should be where it ends...Tim finishes his business and leaves as James begins his business...but NO...

Tim: How was your weekend?

My weekend?? What the hell? That's an opener for a conversation...what is going on? I'm...you know...at the urinal...this isn't the time or the place for this kind of shenanigan...

James: Yeah, good. Brief, not committed to this conversation, but also felt obliged to chuck in...How was yours? Hoping he'd take my lead and keep it short and leave...

Tim: Yeah, pretty busy, my family came down for the weekend and we went and saw Priscilla (the Musical)...and he continues to relay his weekend to me...what is going on!?

Luckily, I had had a couple of bottles of water so was able to sustain my business and luckily he finished talking so there was no continued conversation at the sink...but even so...I'm not being some social leper or something...I'd freely have this conversation in the kitchen or at his workstation...but the toilet?? It would make sense if we were friends or buddies...but we're not...

It's almost as bad as if there are two urinals...one is occupied...someone enters and sees that someone is using one and instead of using the cubicles on offer...stands next to you and uses the other damn urinal...there are codes and rules in place...they're not written down or set in stone...but there's a level of intimacy that is to be avoided when using restrooms...don't stand next to someone in a urinal if there are other viable alternatives...and don't indulge in conversation...ever.

This world would be a better place if people abided by these rules and didn't think they were somehow 'above the law'.

You can bet Steven Seagal wouldn't piss on your shoes either.

Pruning...

I wonder...what's a healthy amount of prunes to have in one sitting?

I'm making my breakfast (Weet-bix with prunes) and I'm dicing my prunes and I kind of lose count halfway...I usually put in four...but I may have put six or seven...is that too much? Can you have too many prunes? Can you be too regular?? My guess is yes...you don't want to be left empty and gutted...oh...now I get why they're called prunes...cos you eat them...and they prune your insides of unwanted weeds...it all makes sense.

I avoided prunes for years growing up and never actually tried one until a couple of weeks ago...I think I was simply turned off by its appearance...but who wouldn't be...it looks like...I don't know what it looks like but whatever it does look like, it looks like the leftover of it...the remains of something...like a fossil of someone's...you know what.

Do you like fish?

COLONEL: ... Do you like fish?
STANHOPE: Fish, sir?
COLONEL: Yes. We've had some fresh fish sent up from railhead for supper tonight.
STANHOPE: (rising) Splendid, sir!
COLONEL: Whiting, I think it is.
STANHOPE: Good!
COLONEL: Well, bye-bye.

For some reason this is the funniest thing in the whole damn world...and the mere utterance of these words makes me and the Colonel laugh like a couple of asses on stage. Terrible. It's all in his delivery though...Whiting, I think it is...he emphasis the white in whiting somehow...it's the unfunniest thing and yet, hee-larious! God knows why!

Tintin Update

How the hell does Tintin survive being thrown into the ocean whilst inside a coffin??? How the hell does anyone survive that!? Oh wait...he's a plucky and intrepid little Belgian reporter...he can survive anything! Except those friggin' pantaloon-short pants he wears!

UPDATE: Apparently those pants are called plus fours...

UPDATE II: Apparently I give a crap.