The Sound of...

This wasn’t my first gig, more like my second. And the experience didn’t stop me…it scarred me, but only emotionally…so what else is new? But there I was, waiting in the wings, wearing an ill-fitting Austrian delivery boy outfit with one of those gendarme hats, a satchel full of letters and resting on an antique bicycle. In forty minutes time I would be a Nazi. In seventy minutes time I would be instrumental in allowing the Von Trapp family to escape over the plywood Austrian Alps. It’s The Sound of Music. I’m playing Rolf Gruber. I was Rolf Gruber. And I was awful.

The character is an idealistic seventeen year old Austrian going on eighteen, possibly looking for some guidance in his life, a father figure perhaps. He’s in love with Liesel, or at least in lust, well, seventeen year old 1940s Austrian lust, which usually amounts to a peck on the mouth and a lot of blushing. I was 22, slightly overweight with dark brown hair, not the typical Rolf: athletic type with Aryan blond locks. Austrian shmaustrian. My Rolf spoke with a British accent.

As is always the case with any amateur theatrical endeavour, auditioning and casting is 50% talent and 50% desperation. I was the only male who auditioned who was under the age of 25. Therefore, I got the part. It made me feel a little better to know the girl playing the sixteen year old Liesel was actually 24 years old, but only a little better.

Never has one man been so uncomfortable or ill-suited to a role.

I could sing at least, like a bird…well, a bird with nasal congestion, do birds even have a nasal area to get congested? I couldn’t dance, but apparently dancing was not required for this role. Just a few awkward gestures during the romantic duet and then an awkward dance at the party at the Von Trapps. Usually Rolf wouldn’t be at that party, but due to the lack of a male contingent in this company, Rolf went to that party. In fact, there were only two men at that party who didn’t live at the Von Trapp manse and only two men who danced the awkward stupid dance…with five ladies.

I somehow convinced myself that I was doing a knockout job. That I was actually convincing. That my character development from naïve young lad to a Nazi cad and the heartbreaking Sophie’s Choice in the final minutes would touch and move even the stoniest of hearts. Alas, I sucked. My stilted movement, my upper class British accent, my complete lack of ability to register with the character all combined for pure theatrical magic.

When the reviews came out I scanned the paragraphs to catch the words ‘James’, ‘Antonas’, ‘white hot ball of talent’, but to no avail. Nary a word was written about the podgy Nazi. I was devastated. I was consoled by the empty words of the cast confirming how good I actually was, but I knew the truth and faced the cold reality…maybe I wasn’t meant to be on the stage?

But hindsight is a beautiful thing. It slowly dawned on me that yes, I was not that good as Rolf. But maybe it was Rolf that was not too good for me. The importance of the actor fitting the role and vice versa suddenly hit me. And it was only my first role since high school! What did I expect from someone who had no training and never took drama! In fact, considering these obstacles I was pretty damn impressed with my own efforts. There was a slew of roles that probably did fit me and like a glove I’m sure! No Stage Door Johnnie will I be! The roar of the greasepaint and all that crap. This was where I belong. This was just a learning curve. A lesson that life throws at you to kick you in the vitals to see if you’ll stand up and ask for more. I would ask for more. I would demand more! Nothing could stop me now! I was on my way…my next role was a Russian student revolutionary in Fiddler on the Roof…oy vey…I never learn.

Like a glove - a slightly overweight glove...with grey eyebrows and too much blush...I was quite the whorish Rolf.

Admiration

After all these years I'm still in awe at my father's ability to eat an apple with a knife.

I've struggled with it myself...but it's just clumsy and uneven. He does it with such dexterity...it's not awkward...it's smooth...and he cuts the apple toward him...that just feels dangerous when I do it...but when he does it...it's a natural thing.

It probably helps that he's had an apple every night for as long as I can remember. Usually a big ol' green Granny Smith.

How I hate the Granny Smith.

It's the one apple Mum used to buy over any other. It's so bitter...and green. Something about it just says to me 'I'm not ripe yet!' Now in my adult years...I've fallen in love with Pink Ladies (that just sounds dirty)...and sometimes Fujis...but give me a Pink Lady anytime...

But my knife skills have not developed as progressively as my taste in apples. If I have to chop vegetables for dinner...it's a struggle...well not so much a struggle as a long drawn out affair...where it would appear that I'm cutting with a delicate air...but I am really trying not to lose an appendage or fingernail...

And just so I'm not tipping the scales to one parent...my Mum used to make an awesome Chocolate Cake...moist but not rich...I think it had yoghurt in it and was from the Green and Gold Cook Book...she also makes Coffee Cake but I'm not a fan of Coffee Cake...and my brother and sister love her Cheesecake...but it's not to my fancy...no offence to Mum or Cheesecake...but give me more of that Chocolate Cake.

Sermon on the Mount

It's interesting. You think you know people...or someone....and then WHAM! Right out of left field you get hit with a slug right in the face.

I don't know. Maybe it's me. I value honesty to a great degree...close to above all things...but I rate tact above all else. Tact is the key to living life. Sure being brutally honest can be helpful to get to the top. And you can talk yourself up with fancy phrases like You talk the straight sh*t...or you shoot from the hip...but what's the point? You're not a f*cking cowboy! You become a wanker in the process. The key to life is to be nice. That's the biggest thing that everyone should know. The world does not appreciate a prick...so why behave like one? You might think you're cool or daring or you're own person...but you really are a prick.

You have to grease the wheels...otherwise the machine won't run effectively or at all. This is especially the case in business. I don't mean big business...that's shark infested water...a pool that I have no desire to dip my toe into...but everyday business...management of people...office interactions. You treat people with respect. That's utmost. From CEOs to janitors...being nice is being nice. You don't want to burn bridges. There's no need to be negative or sour. If you smile at someone...they'll more than likely smile back...it might not be a lasting smile...but it's better than frowning, glaring or spitting on them as you pass.

I also think people hide behind email too much to give bad news or deal with issues that people are too afraid of to discuss face-to-face. Not that I'm against email - it's important as hell...but the delivering of bad news via this method is just weak, small and petty. I've seen it happen on lots of occasions. People think 'I'll send an email. They won't be able to tell what tone I'm using. So it's less offensive.' or 'I don't have the balls to say this to so-and-so's face...so I'll just shoot them email...no fuss...no muss.' See? Wimpy, spineless and a poor excuse for human behaviour. This is even less impressive when done by managers and higher ups...they get paid the big bucks...so earn the big bucks. Act like a decent human being.

I've heard stories of bosses who walk all over their staff...berate them, belittle them...these bosses are not well adjusted. This is not acceptable behaviour. Just because you're in a position of power doesn't mean you can do what you want to whoever you want in any way you want. Not at all. People are meant to look up to these people. To follow the example that they set...and that's fundamental...lead by example. Not abuse the power you're given.

I think the key to efficient and happy working relationships...in fact...human relationships period is to treat others the way you would like to be treated. It's a simple code and an easy way to live your life. Treat others the way you want to be treated. I wouldn't want to be yelled at...so don't yell at me and I won't yell at you! I would want respect from my fellow office folk...so respect is what I give them. Nothing sneaky, nothing underhanded, nothing malicious or cruel. It's simple niceties. And you can go home and look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of the human being staring back at you...and that's worth a whole damn lot to me.

Treat others as you would like to be treated. Simple. Can you imagine how much easier our life would be if people followed it?



Here endeth the lesson.

Another Another Springtime

Just in case the few of you who were interested in seeing Another Springtime...it's on at the Clocktower Theatre, corner of Wilson and Carpenter Street, Brighton this Saturday (September 20). It's on at 2pm and 8pm. And costs...I think...$10 or $12. It may or may not be worth it. If you like James Antonas then it will definitely be worth the price of admission. If you like Mexican melodrama...also, it will definitely be worth the price of admission.

Kirilie's Chocolates

Kirilie is in a musical. Part of the requirements of the cast of the show is to sell a box of fundraising chocolates to help the company put on the musical. So Kirilie...reluctantly...dragged the big box of chocolates to work (a 49 minute walk through the city!) to attempt to sell them. In an effort to aid this endeavour I wrote an email for her to distribute amongst her work colleagues to drum up some business for her. And remember...it's from Kirilie...nice and humble...don't blow my own trumpet Kirilie. Here it is:


Chocolates! Chocolates! Chocolates!

Now that I've got your attention I want to talk you about...chocolates. Yes...that constant companion, that steadfast friend...always there to pick you up when you're feeling low...then make you feel worse after eating a whole block of Dairy Milk. But my point is...I need to sell chocolates! Not just any chocolates I'll have you know...fundraising chocolates!

As you all must now know...I am an extremely boisterous and talkative person...so I'm sure I would have told you that I was performing in a musical...if I haven't...I am performing in a musical.

Unlike Broadway or the West End or Adelaide...the amateur musical circuit doesn't have the capital to keep putting on high quality glitz, glamour and pizzazz to rival the professionals...so they ask for help...in the form of chocolates. And that's where you come in! By purchasing one or eight of these chocolates you will be supporting those that don't have the ability to support themselves...sure you could donate to those other supposed 'charities' but why waste your hard earned moolah when you could get hard earned chocolate...it's win-win. We get your precious money and you get the precious chocolate. Understand? It's simple...and delicious.

Everything costs a dollar...from Crunchies, Time Outs, Picnics, Caramello Koalas, and good old Freddo Frogs. Who knows...your dollar might buy...a dollar's worth of nails...or...a dollar's worth of paint...it's capitalism at its best!

Think about it...as you sit there in the afternoons to come...contemplating that empty void at 3pm...ask yourself the question...can I go without?


No...you can't.


So come by me and I will fill that void with cheap chocolate and a song...like Willy Wonka...only less creepy...well...less creepy than the Johnny Depp version...more on par with the Gene Wilder version...but less threatening...that's it...like a less threatening Gene Wilder Willy Wonka...only female...and working in superannuation.


Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew? Cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two...Kirilie can...yes Kirilie can 'cause she sells it for a dollar to make her musical good...


As if that wouldn't sell a truckful of chocolates!


Update

Kirilie has sold all the chocolates. I repeat, Kirilie has sold all the chocolates. It took roughly 2 hours to sell the 40 or so chocolates...and she didn't have to do anything...just sit at the desk and watch the money come rolling in.

Another Springtime

Tonight I ventured way out of my comfort zone...all the way to Malvern East...or East Malvern...or Darling...whatever it's called...for a first rehearsal for a play reading that's on this Saturday (Sept 20) at Clocktower Theatre, Brighton. The play is that classic drama 'Another Springtime'.

Yes, you heard me right...we're doing that play.

Of course I'm joking. No one has heard of this play or should have heard of this play or even want to see this play...in that it's not exactly a classic or anything of that nature...it's out of print even...but it still has a lot of charm. I enjoyed reading it with the cast and found it had some moving parts, but 'A Drama in Three Acts' is pushing it slightly...'A Melodrama in Three Acts' would be more appropriate.

It's the type of play where the first time you hear the title of the play in the body of the play you go, 'Ahhhh...that's why it's called Another Springtime!'...the second time you hear it...you go, 'Ahhhh...that's a bit much'...and by the third time it comes along it's just plain corny. It's like those old episodes of The Bill where the episode was called something like 'Crime and Punishment' or something and then just as the episode is about to end and they've nabbed some criminal someone is bound to have a conversation consisting of: 'Well that's another one put away, and hopefully this crim realises that's the way it goes with Crime and Punishment.' And then The Bill theme song would play and you'd see those two coppers walking down the cobbled stone street in time with each other. You could rely on it...set your clock to it even. Ba-dum, ba-dum, bum, ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

The play was apparently written in the 1940s by the great and noted playwright Rodolfo Usigli...I jest. That is his name...but noted and great...I don't know. Sounds more like a porno actor from a Third World country.

And it's apparently Mexican...and set in Mexico. We will be donning orange makeup and speaking with outrageous accents and trilling and rolling r's all over the place. Another joke. We will be speaking in neutral British accents...except when we get to words like 'hacienda' pronounced ah-see-yen'-dah...so much so I'm sure people will be wondering what these poor British people are doing stranded in Mexico...or rather May'-hee-coh. And no makeup...unfortunately.

All joking aside...I'm glad to be doing it. I've never done a play reading before so it should be interesting and fun to see how it all goes...and to work with a bunch of people I don't know but who seem more than ably talented to do justice to the play should be a highlight for me.

I'll be playing Raùl (pronounced Rah-ool' - with full trill on the r) - Arturo's older son, who is about 27 years old. He is a young man, well-built like his father. Wow...what a description...gives a person so much to work with!

I seem to have a penchant for playing Mexicans...this time last year I was wiping off my orange makeup and pencil moustache as Manny Munoz/Pancho Vargas...and now...I'll be donning the histrionics of another Mexican...although Raùl is far less outrageous and funny than Manny...and doesn't have a song...except maybe in his heart...saving it once more for...Another Springtime.

Tempting...

It's strange what tempts different people. I'm talking specifically about food here, just in case there are a couple of perverts out there looking for some sexual deviancy. Not here...not yet, anyway.

I've been trying to eat right for the last couple of days...and weeks...and years...but my determination and drive seems to be quite cyclical. It comes in waves. Sometimes I'll be so determined that I'll empty my life completely of any food that I consider to be bad and tempting. Or sometimes I try to go the whole martyr route and keep these things in my life to see if my will power is strong enough to overcome the temptation...usually it's a bust...and I find myself sincerely pondering: 'I wonder what a Mars Bar tastes like?' knowing full well that the nougaty caramel goodness is pure deliciousness.

I'm not dieting. I haven't dieted in years. But it's a question of eating well. I'm flirting with something different this time...smaller portions. I've never really tried it and I think it might be what makes a difference this time. I'm used to having small breakfasts...but lunch and dinner are completely different...especially the lunch...I used to find myself ravenous by 12pm, but not so much now.

The biggest thing for me is eating out of boredom. Sitting at my desk doing work that isn't occupying my mind too much or even in a quieter period...and you think...some chocolate would be good right about now. And I'm not hungry...not one iota. But since my body and mind aren't being challenged at a particular moment...it wanders to food. That's what I think that whole 3pm snack crap comes from...people get a little bored around 3pm...it's the natural quiet part of the day...and so people get bored and think that they should snack for a pick-me-up...specifically chocolate. I just don't buy it. I have the cravings. And that's just what they are...cravings. Especially if you have a habit of snacking at that time, so your body craves the snack, the sugar, the...whatever.

What I find interesting is that over the years my tastes have changed...I don't know if I'd say developed but they have changed. I used to be a 'Chip Man'. Any kind of savoury snack...Shapes, Doritos, Smiths, CCs, Toobs...I was there, and I loved it. But now...I find my tooth has evolved into something resembling a 'sweet tooth'. Chocolate, lollies...you name it. And not quality stuff either...good old reliable Cadbury, Nestle crap. Terrible. No matter how small the serving size...the temptation is there...even when I know it's going to taste like average name brand chocolate...it's still so hard to resist.

A big part of it is feeling like I can get away with it. I don't mean sneaking it in so no one can see...I mean I feel like I don't have to watch what I eat so much...so I can eat this...I've made the decision. So if I've eaten well for two or three days I'll be offered a Crunchie or something and I'll say to myself 'You've done well so far...go on. You don't really need to watch what you eat! And you can make it up later!' And that is the hardest voice of temptation to resist...your own...especially when you're giving yourself your own blessing. I rationalise it. And that's terrible. I think working in offices has done it to me. No one offers me a chip or a crisp or a cracker...it's always something sugary and sweet and decadent. People have cake at birthdays...not a big bowl of chips and dip with a candle in it. Why is that?

Anyway...the sad realisation that is dawning upon me is that you have to look after yourself for life...you have to eat healthy all the time...not just for periods...otherwise you'll relax and then realise later when you're bloated or having digestive problems or struggle with breathing that you need to get back on the wagon...then you do...and then you reach what you wanted...and then you let it all go again. You have to keep working at it. You can have bad days and weak week ends - I'm all for that...you still have to enjoy the good things...just not in excess. I guess that's what I'm also coming to terms with...when people say 'in moderation'...I never realised what that meant exactly...a chocolate day is not moderation. Hell...a chocolate a week is pushing it...but I'm happy with that kind of pushing it!

Just so you can get an idea on what I'm eating and what direction this is heading in I'll give you a run down of what I'm eating. Now bear in this mind...this is not to lose weight, merely to eat and live well and maintain healthy habits for as long as possible.

Breakfast
Rice Bran Flakes with fruit on top and rice milk.

Lunch
Salad containing lettuce, capsicum, tomato, cucumber, tuna, almonds and red onion. Sounds plain and average but really isn't.

Dinner
Whatever we eat that is healthy...recently that's included homemade Chicken and Sweet Corn soup (something I never thought I'd eat!), Pumpkin and Spinach fritata, a Roast Vegetable Soup, and tonight it's Dukkah Eggplant with Roasted Tomato and Chickpea Salad!

And I know for some of you that sounds like vegetarian or wholefood garbage...but remember I was once like you...I would pull the exact same faces you're pulling now...and if I can eat like this...you have to...I mean...you can to.

Also I'm focusing on exercising at least once a day...that's James Antonas exercise as well...not muscle man exercise...so that will usually consist of a 20 minute jog at night or in the morning...and hopefully both on some days.

Don't really know why this required an entry...I guess I'm proud of what I'm eating at the moment and my focus on a healthy life (it helps having Kirilie...a born nutritionist/dietitian leading the way!)...also because I don't really have much else to write about today as I'm trying to shift focus from my craving to eat really bad food onto something more productive...and it's working...kind of.


P.S. After finishing the last sentence someone came round offering me free Starburst. What a world!