Will Success Spoil James Antonas?

Success = bitterness.

Let me be more specific.

Other people's success = bitterness.

Once more.

Other people's success in an industry or workplace in which you toil = your bitterness.

Now I'm not a bitter man...well, I am...but I'm not someone to hold a grudge...well, yeah I am...but I'm not petty...yes I am...but I rise above it...seldomly.

It is infuriating and aggravating and exasperating. Other people's success. And there's something about it...they're so damn smug. Making it look so easy, doing it with ease without breaking a sweat or disturbing a hair on their well-manicured head.

And what makes it even worse is when they're not smug or condescending...but when they're honest, hard working, and totally deserve it.

How dare they!?

How dare they work hard for something and finally achieve it!? How dare they set goals for themselves and set about reaching them?! What nerve! What gall!

It's maddening.

And the final chapter of the whole sordid affair is the intense internal scrutiny that follows...

You look at yourself in the mirror and think...what am I doing? Who am I kidding? That is what they want...not this. Self-loathing, self-hatred, self-medication. The holy trinity.

And questions of your own mediocrity begin to creep into your consciousness...instead of sitting comfortably in your subconscious where they can wreak havoc on your dreaming slumber...creating nightmares of adequacy and failure...now they can get you in the daylight...like some kind of depressing Freddy Kruger who instead of slashing you to ribbons merely looks at you, points a fingered blade, shrugs his shoulders and says 'Meh.'

You ain't even worth a good slashing.

Mediocrity. Average...ness. Is there anything in the world people struggle against more than the fear of their own mediocrity? Our own ordinariness. We need to stand out. To be good...the best at something. And when you try...you fail...and it feels inevitable. As if there was no chance of shaking off our own destiny...we were somehow born to fail.

Then defeat knocks on the door with a sack full of dirty laundry looking for a place to crash...why even get up off the couch? I'll never succeed. I'll never be good. Why did I even bother in the first place? I'm a fool...a damn fool! Why try? I'll only fail again. And this time it'll be two in a row...depressing.

And the truth is...there is truth in that.

It's more than likely you and I will fail again and again and again...we will fail an infinite number of times...and obscene number...because that...inevitably...is what our destiny is. Not to succeed...but to try. Because out of the billions living in this global village...there cannot be billions of success stories...be reasonable...there has to be failures otherwise there would be no successes. Yings to Yangs, etc to etc.

The people who try, sure they don't get the awards, the promotions, and their day in the sun...but they get to close their eyes at night knowing they tried; they gave it their all, their best. And their kids can grow up happy in the knowledge that their father or mother wasn't a failure...but a do-er.

And that's the best thing anyone can give the next generation...a sense of purpose, the values of going out there and trying at something...because, sure, success is great...but that's not what it's about, is it?

Of course it is.

That's the whole point! To the victor go the spoils. And I want them spoils.

We just have to learn that we can't all be winners...that every application, audition, auction...can't be successful. Failure is part of success. Part of life. The whole freaking circus of life. There are highs and lows, joys and woes...they should be second nature to you now...like breathing out and breathing in.

But how to deal with other people's success...there's the rub. Looking at your own failure, isolated. That's easy enough to handle...you can say...'Ha! Idiots! They don't know what they're missing!' or 'They obviously want someone different, someone better.' But then you see who they choose...some nobody, someone who, let's face it; you think you're better than, more qualified than...blood will boil, walls will tumble. But breathe...

Don't be over-dramatic you drama queen.

The answer is simple: They're all f**kwits.

But the more difficult answer is the more truthful answer. You were the wrong person on the day. That's not to say you're not the best, you might very well be...but on the day, in that light, at that time...someone else looked better, more promising and they get those elusive spoils. Because, in all honesty, 9 times out of 10...they've made the right decision. Sure you might burn about it, but when you remove yourself from the situation and look at it more objectively minus your hurt feelings and bruised ego...they're the right person. On the day. Another day, another interviewer or director or adjudicator might have a completely different opinion. You never know. And it's the bigger and better man who can rise above the feelings of inadequacy and mediocrity and shake the successful person's hand and say 'Well done, you deserve it.'

But then again...they're all f**kwits.

I didn't say I was the bigger man.