I'd like to thank...

Program biographies.

Is there anything worse?

The whole thing reeks of 'Look at me!' in my book...listing your achievements, awards...who you'd like to thank, your mentors...ugh...hate the whole thing...selling yourself to the reader

So for the production I'm in now, The Underpants, a program bio was requested...here's my initial submission:

James Antonas

Originally from Adelaide, James is…ah, who are we kidding!? You’re not really interested in reading any of this…you’re just trying to avoid the awkward social encounters that accompany any trip to the theatre. The guy in the foyer who’s name you can’t remember…that talkative woman in the seat next to you who knows Noni Hazlehurst personally…the uncomfortable silence that settles between you and your partner as you sit patiently waiting for the show to start…it’s all about avoiding eye contact and looking intently at the words in this program…so read away…you don’t need to thank me…James is proud to be in The Underpants!

But that was vetoed....so, my 2nd attempt (and favourite):

James Antonas

James is regarded as one of the most talented young actors to have ever lived. Gracing the stages of Adelaide, Melbourne, the West End and Broadway, James has performed the likes of Crowther, H.B. Billings, Hescht, and Fersmengé to packed and half empty houses. A winner of two Drama Chair Awards, a Beanbody, and numerous ranks of peerage, Lord Jim as he is affectionately known, is always in tepid demand. Highlights include Jeff ate the Raspberries, Too Late for Some, That’s not our Vicar! The Power and the Television, Christ! The Musical, and the classic Whoops-a-daisy…I just put my foot in a bowl of custard…or is it rice pudding?

Again...no dice...so here's the boring bio I'm stuck with:

James Antonas

Originally from Adelaide, James is an accomplished…well, James is...um...James has performed for various amateur theatre companies in both South Australia and Victoria in a variety of roles in shows such as Guys and Dolls, The Sentimental Bloke, Barefoot in the Park, Zombie Prom (Music Theatre Guild Nomination), Cloudstreet, Rosencrantz and Guildenstertn are Dead and, with Mordialloc Theatre Company, Journey's End and Crimes of the Heart. James would like to dedicate his performance to James Antonas.

I know...I know...the bile is rising.

For Sale - A Piece of Awesomeness

****UPDATE****
He/she has been sold. Nary a month into my month long pursuit to sell this champagne beauty, a respectable buyer appeared and took him/her of my hands. I am sad, but I am happy to be rid of...I mean happy to deliver such a wonderful car to such a wonderful family. It's bittersweet really...bitter in the parting and sweet in the money that I have received.

**** ****

A car! Yes, it's a car! But not just any car...my car...that's right...the car driven by James Antonas!



What can you say about a car like this?

10 years in the one family...she/he was loved by this family...not like it was a family member or a pet or something...that'd be weird...but we loved it by driving it, parking it, putting petrol in it, driving it and now...in a final act of true love...we must now let it go...and upgrade to a better, fancier car.

We're sure our little Protégé will understand...she/he has been there for us for 10 years and knows that we humans are fickle creatures...acting on whims and fancies...prone to feelings of regret, loss, jealousy...and that's why we're looking for a special someone to take her/him off our hands...someone who will cherish, love, honour and possibly obey little Protégé...or pay $7,000...we're easy.

Like any person, this car has it's imperfections...a rather large mole here, a tooth that protrudes a little longer than the others, an ugly face...she/he was broken into in the first year or two and had its log book, ashtray and CD stacker stolen...she/he has a minor scratch or two here and there, a bit of a dent on the passenger side door...but these little 'imperfections' will just make you love her/him more!

She/he was serviced regularly, drives like a dream...a dream in which you drive a 10 year old car...she has a squeak in her brakes but we've been advised that they're just squeaky brakes and there's nothing wrong with 'em...so don't get angry at her/him...please...she can't take the abuse...she/he's a fragile creature...like a butterfly...a golden butterfly with grey velour interior, air-conditioning and no ashtray...I'd draw a picture but I don't think I could capture the true beauty of that image...so come and see for yourself! You won't be disappointed...or you might be...I don't know who you are...you might be easily disappointed...oh...and she/he's been badged...poor girl/boy/thing.

And to buy this baby...contact James Antonas...I'm on your speed dial...under Awesome...or Antonas...probably Antonas...actually, forget it...