I'd like to thank...

Program biographies.

Is there anything worse?

The whole thing reeks of 'Look at me!' in my book...listing your achievements, awards...who you'd like to thank, your mentors...ugh...hate the whole thing...selling yourself to the reader

So for the production I'm in now, The Underpants, a program bio was requested...here's my initial submission:

James Antonas

Originally from Adelaide, James is…ah, who are we kidding!? You’re not really interested in reading any of this…you’re just trying to avoid the awkward social encounters that accompany any trip to the theatre. The guy in the foyer who’s name you can’t remember…that talkative woman in the seat next to you who knows Noni Hazlehurst personally…the uncomfortable silence that settles between you and your partner as you sit patiently waiting for the show to start…it’s all about avoiding eye contact and looking intently at the words in this program…so read away…you don’t need to thank me…James is proud to be in The Underpants!

But that was vetoed....so, my 2nd attempt (and favourite):

James Antonas

James is regarded as one of the most talented young actors to have ever lived. Gracing the stages of Adelaide, Melbourne, the West End and Broadway, James has performed the likes of Crowther, H.B. Billings, Hescht, and Fersmengé to packed and half empty houses. A winner of two Drama Chair Awards, a Beanbody, and numerous ranks of peerage, Lord Jim as he is affectionately known, is always in tepid demand. Highlights include Jeff ate the Raspberries, Too Late for Some, That’s not our Vicar! The Power and the Television, Christ! The Musical, and the classic Whoops-a-daisy…I just put my foot in a bowl of custard…or is it rice pudding?

Again...no dice...so here's the boring bio I'm stuck with:

James Antonas

Originally from Adelaide, James is an accomplished…well, James is...um...James has performed for various amateur theatre companies in both South Australia and Victoria in a variety of roles in shows such as Guys and Dolls, The Sentimental Bloke, Barefoot in the Park, Zombie Prom (Music Theatre Guild Nomination), Cloudstreet, Rosencrantz and Guildenstertn are Dead and, with Mordialloc Theatre Company, Journey's End and Crimes of the Heart. James would like to dedicate his performance to James Antonas.

I know...I know...the bile is rising.